I contemplate posting something during this period each year about my experiences with my own mental health, but I’ve never published any of them. I'm going to write this directly into the editor and hit publish, so there may be some errors.
I’ve always battled with depression and anxiety, from a very young age. I wouldn’t go to primary school, through overwhelming fear, and I still remember the feeling of battling anxiety every morning before heading off to high school.
I wasn’t the smartest kid in school; I got good grades, but I had no idea what I wanted to do after school. I completed an Electronics BTEC and a Mechanical Engineering BTEC, all while climbing the ranks in the catering industry. Although catering is a difficult industry due to low pay and long hours, I was often held back by what was perceived as a lack of passion, but really I was just a shy, quiet, and anxious young man. I would still produce despite that.
I later went back to college and on to university, before getting into the tech industry. I worked as a frontend developer, backend developer, devops engineer, platform engineer, and found my way into security, which has been a passion I have held throughout my tech career. I followed the things I enjoyed, and I did them to the best of my ability. Through each career change I would suffer with imposter syndrome, and I still do now sometimes with over a decade of experience. I better understand this phenomenon now, but earlier in my career I would burn the candle at both ends trying to learn as much as possible.
Throughout most of my life there has been a constant battle. I still have days of severe anxiety, where simply going to the shop for milk seems like an impossible task. I also suffer from depression which hits its peak when I’m isolated for long periods. I’m too scared to do the thing, but I’m sad I can’t do the thing, it’s exhausting sometimes.
As I got older and met my lovely wife Kylie, she would give me the confidence to push past some of my anxieties, which would result in a happier Chris. And as I became a father I would force myself into situations I would usually avoid on my own, so that they are not held back by my shortcomings. I’ll never let my fears stand in the way of my children experiencing everything they want in life, they will have no idea they even exist, unless they come to me with their own anxieties and I’ll let them know that it’s all OK.
I used to pester my bosses about flexible working, and maybe having the opportunity to work from home occasionally. I was always met with strong resistance and paranoid justifications for why that wouldn’t be possible. Of course everyone worked remotely, and the business I was working for peaked, during the unfortunate events of the COVID pandemic. Since then I’ve been lucky enough to work from home at each subsequent place of employment.
With my family around me, and a work environment that supports me working from where I feel most comfortable, I’ve been able to thrive both personally and professionally.
I’ve spent a lot of time maturing into my position as a security engineer, and I’ve reflected on what my strengths and weaknesses are. A clear weakness is my in person public speaking abilities, the anxiety will likely always win, but that anxiety isn’t the same working remotely. I can still be a leader in my field within the right environment, you just might never see me on the big stage.
Strong relationships at home and work have been massive for me, but it’s also important to have something outside of that where you can forget about all your day to day stresses. For me that escape came through starting Brazilian JiuJitsu, it’s helped me build resilience, learn something cool, and meet some amazing people - I’d also become a bit of a potato working at a desk the past decade, and I’m starting to feel a lot healthier through actually doing something physical.
I’ve tried to not go into too much detail, because it can be a dark topic and some points were really low points in my life which I've now moved on from, but if you can relate to anything I’ve written about here then feel free to reach out. I’m happy to chat about anything you like, or simply be someone who will listen. Look after yourself.
I thought I'd also share links to a few charities close to my heart if you’re interested:
